You’re Not Going Crazy, You’re Grieving:
Navigating Animal Companion Loss in a Post-Pandemic World
Saturday, August 14, 2021
10:00 a.m. Pacific Time (US and Canada)
As you grieve, the sand may shift beneath your feet, but it need not swallow you.
In the safe space of this interactive webinar, Cat Camp counselors Jackson Galaxy and Animal Companion Loss Recovery Specialist, Stephanie Rogers, GCCA-C, CT, will familiarize you with the landscape of Compounded Grief, a world in which the grief experiences of personal loss are amplified by the universal losses associated with COVID-19.
Whether the loss of your animal companion is recent or happened years ago, we hope you’ll join us and find support in the company of others who are striving to incorporate similar losses into their own lives.
You are not alone.
Click here to register for this limited attendance event.
Popularly known as “The Cat Daddy,” Jackson Galaxy is the host and executive producer of Animal Planet’s long running hit show “My Cat From Hell.” Jackson, an animal advocate and cat behavior and wellness expert, is also a two-time New York Times best-selling author with more than 25 years of experience working with cats and their guardians. Jackson’s mission is to educate people about cats and deepen the human and cat bond, while reducing the number of animals that end up in shelters.
Stephanie Rogers, GCCA-C, CT is a certified Grief Counselor and Thanatologist with specializations in Child and Adolescent Grief and Animal Companion Loss Recovery. She has been a practicing Grief Counselor, Support Group Facilitator, and End-of-Life Speaker and Educator since 2004.
Brought to you by Love & Above Cat Club
Love and Above Cat Club specializes in Self-Care for Cat Lovers. This labor of love was inspired by a love of cats that goes above and beyond. Our mission is to help you love yourself like you love your cat!
We judge. As a society, as individuals. That’s what we do. We may think we don’t, we may try hard not to, but we do. We judge.
And we reserve some of our harshest judgements for anyone who isn’t “positive”, or “upbeat”, or “happy”, or, at the very least, “holding it all together”.
But, no emotion is “bad”. It just Is. And no emotion can exist without its opposite. How could it? How would we know “happy” if there was no “sad” with which to compare it?
There is no light without darkness. No summer bounty without winter’s fallow.
Contrasts. Two sides of the same coin. Paradox.
The Universe loves paradox.
The Universe is a paradox.
When did we forget that I wonder? Because it wasn’t always so foreign to us. There was a time in which sadness, or “melancholy”, as it was most often called then, was not only accepted, but embraced, even celebrated, as a painful, but necessary, time in life. A time that often resulted in great works of art, in laudable achievements, in lasting legacies.
No, sad isn’t bad.
Sad is just sad.
So, let yourself be sad. Don’t beat yourself up for it. And don’t allow others to scold or belittle or busy you out of your sadness.
You’re sad — be sad. So that when you’re happy, you can fully be that, too.
This year is a blur.
The 29 months since my mother fell and broke her shoulder are a blur.
In the blur, there are facts.
My mother died.
My 14 year old soul dog died.
I lost my mother’s home.
I lost my blood family.
My mother’s 19 year old dog died.
My 3 year old cat died.
I lost my president.
I lost my job.
I lost another home.
Facts. Chapter Headings. Mile Markers.
When I look at those facts, I am numb. Still.
And yet, not completely.
Because running through the numbness, pulsing, sometimes quietly, sometimes gushing like arterial blood from a wound, is one constant: Gratitude.
On October 3, 1863, President Abraham Lincoln, in an address written by Secretary of State William Seward, invited his “fellow citizens… to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November… as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise…”
In the midst of a civil war no less.
It may seem a paradox, in the midst of grief and loss, to find gratitude, but what better time is there, really? When is the sanctity of peace more precious than during war? The security of home more sweet than in its absence? When is the wonder of life more obvious than in the presence of death?
Gratitude in grief is not simply a matter of “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone”. It’s deeper than that. More complex. And yet so simple. If we have the patience and the courage to sit with our grief, to wander with open eyes through its panoply of emotions and experiences, we cannot help but grow, we have no choice but to evolve.
Gratitude is the grace that makes that evolution possible. Without gratitude, evolution becomes devolution.
So, let us be grateful. For every death, every loss, every blow we have endured as individuals, as families, as a nation in this past year. Let us be thankful for homes lost and found, for families born and made, for beings living and dead.
If you are reading this, know that I am thankful for you. All of us meet in the grief that brings us to these words. I am grateful for your presence, silent or spoken, grateful for the hand you offer, seen and unseen, as we make our way to who and what we are supposed to be.
Bless you. Thank you.
Around 4:30 on the first afternoon of any June in our last years together, she would say, “This time _______ years ago,” and I would stop whatever I was doing to sit and listen to the story of my birth.
It was never a long story. Not full of how much pain she had withstood or how hard it had been to bring me into the world. In fact, the only real complaint she ever made was, “It was so HOT!”
“I had been to the store and it was SO hot. I had just put down the last bag and was thinking how hot it already was and it just barely June when the first pains hit. I called your daddy and told him it was time, then I put up the groceries. It was so HOT!”
I once asked her if I’d given her a lot of trouble, if it had been a hard labour.
“Not really. None of you were really all that hard. Your daddy got home, we went to the hospital. I was in labor through the night, then there you were.”
I was born at 8:03 the next morning, June 2nd. It was a Friday.
Today is my second birthday without her.
I don’t remember the first.
There is much I have forgotten — about all my life — but that first loss-filled year after her death is particularly full of holes and vagaries. And while I am not an advocate of recovering lost memories, (I believe The Universe has swallowed certain things for our own protection), I do rather wish I could remember some of The First Year more clearly than I do, if only to learn more from its pain.
The pain itself I remember vividly. Though to call it a “memory” is a mistake, for it lives with me still. Still and always.
And on my birthday most of all.
I woke in the middle of the night one night last week in sheer terror at the sudden realization that when my last cell phone died not long after she, it took with it her voice mails that I had saved. The only recordings of her voice that I had. This happened months ago, yet I was only just now realizing the loss. I got up, went to the computer, searched every file, every cloud, thinking that surely, surely, I wouldn’t have been so careless as to have saved them only on that phone.
But I was that careless. That thoughtless. That lost.
I climbed back into bed and cried for a long time, amazed — again — at the immediacy and overwhelming power of grief. A power that only gives the illusion of abating over time. A power that in many ways actually never stops growing.
This birthday finds me 1600 miles or more away from my mother’s physical remains.
The last thing I did before driving away from my home town one last time was stop at the cemetery. I stood a long while looking down at the three headstones of my family, agonizing over the fact that I’d forgotten to bring anything with which to clean the Texas Panhandle dust and dirt from the crevices.
Something else forgotten.
Finally, hearing my mother say, “It doesn’t matter, baby,” I sat down on the spiky winter grass and remembered the now decades long process of filling these three plots, of setting these three stones.
I remembered making the arrangements for my father’s Veteran’s marker. The multiple telephone calls and forms, the trip from frighteningly foreign to familiar each time I had to say aloud, “my father just died”, each time I ticked the box for “Deceased”.
I had been so young.
I remembered bringing my mother to the cemetery office to choose my sister’s. The surreality of sitting with her as she designed, piece by piece, her daughter’s headstone. So grateful for the knowledge and kindness of the owner who helped us. Grateful for it again eight years later as he led me alone through the same process for my mother.
It was even harder than I had imagined it would be.
We had discussed her headstone as we had discussed her funeral, many times. My mother didn’t care for flowers, her favourite colour was black, she preferred simple, classic lines to any sort of flourish, so, I knew the cross was perfect the moment I saw it.
She had been a devout Catholic from the time she converted in order to marry my father, and yet, in the last years of her life she seemed to withdraw from Catholicism, especially in the years following my sister’s death. In the end, she did not want a priest, no funeral mass, nothing but a rosary and a graveside service that was presided over by the hospice chaplain she had come to “love like the son I never had”. So, I felt this cross, with its straight line strength and grace so reflective of her, was a better choice than a Catholic crucifix.
“Beloved wife and mother” was out — she had made that clear. It bothered her that “that’s on everyone’s. just put my name and the dates on mine”. Yet, somehow, I couldn’t manage to leave it at just that. It just wasn’t enough.
More than once in those last years she had said to me, “No one can ever know what all we’ve been through together. We’re the only ones who can ever really know that.”
I realized that I wanted her headstone to reflect that, to reflect us, if only a little. I wanted one last and final time to say, “It’s me, Mommy. I’m here.”
My mother loved almost all things British. I don’t think many people knew that about her. She loved British history, British television — documentaries about the Royals, PBS historical dramas and to my great and happy surprise, she loved to watch Shakespeare performances with me. So, when I went looking for a way to leave a special mark on her headstone, I went, of course, to Shakespeare.
“And all my mother came into mine eyes.
And gave me up to tears.”
It’s a quote from Henry V, Act IV, Scene vi. It isn’t a quote about mothers nor about the loss of a mother. It is spoken from a battlefield by Exeter to King Henry, describing the deaths of the Dukes of York and Suffolk. Exeter refers, ashamedly, of his inability to hold back tears upon witnessing these deaths.
But, to me, it says everything about the loss of my mother. For me, they are the perfect words to mark my forever goodbye to her. So often, she comes into my eyes. And when she does, I am always given up to tears.
Sitting here writing this, so far away from where I lived with her, from where she gave birth to me, from where her physical form lies marked with those words, I realize that I am, in these almost two years following her death, being re-born.
The labour is intense. Long. Complicated. Painful.
And still not complete.
But she is with me, as she was the first time. Working with me and for me, labouring to give me New Life.
That realization comforts me, in a way, on a level, I could not have expected and cannot quite put into words.
I know only that she is here. Still and always. Just like the pain of her loss, in the pain of her loss, carrying me forward into the season in which I was first born, into the heat and light that I love and she hated.
She is here and she is saying, “Momma’s got you, baby. Everything’s gonna be alright.”
It is a day she would have loved — grey, cloudy, overcast, cool for July. She would have loved it.
She loved darkness. She loved storms and wind, and the colour black. She loved heavy things — fat furniture, big cars, chunky jewelry. Substantial, formidable things. Things Built to Last. Like she was.
By the end, one year ago today, she was none of the above. By the 29th of July, 2015, she was small, broken, bruised. One year ago today, she lay silent and immobile. Had done for almost a week. During that week, her smooth, pale skin had grown even more luminous, as though the light of her being was pressing against it from within, making its way out, pushing its way to freedom.
The last time she opened her eyes to me, they were clear, cloudless, grey points of glistening light. I gave her water which I, of course, managed to spill on her. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see what I was doing. The water was icy cold, just the way she liked it, and yet she responded very little when it hit her skin. She only weakly motioned toward the spill with a crooked finger.
Then she realized I was crying. And everything changed.
I watched her call herself back from wherever she had been, from wherever she was going, call herself back to the present, this present, my present, the present in which one of her children was crying.
“Don’t cry, baby,” she mouthed, voiceless. “Please don’t cry.”
How was it that I didn’t realize she was dying?
I, who have been watching people die for most of my life. How did I not see that my mother was dying?
Death doesn’t discriminate
Between the sinners
And the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
And we keep living anyway
We rise and we fall
And we break
And we make our mistakes
And if there’s a reason I’m still alive
When everyone who loves me has died
I’m willing to wait for it
I’m willing to wait for it
For most of this year, I, like so much of the world, have been obsessed with Hamilton, an American Musical. The past two weeks have been filled with the song Wait for It on continuous loop in my head even when it’s not playing. Only today, listening to this particular verse have I understood just why.
I spent the last decade of my life with my mother. Nine years living with and caring for her, one year trying to figure out how to live without her here in the form I knew so well, the form I miss so much.
It’s not that I spent that decade waiting for anything. I wasn’t waiting for it to get easier nor for it to be done, over, finished, in some way. I wasn’t waiting for my life to begin once hers was ended. In fact, those ten years were some of the richest most fulfilling years of my life, professionally and personally, beyond and including the healing time spent with my mother.
And it was healing.
Of her four children, I was the one least likely to be chosen as Primary Caregiver in her final years. To say that our relationship for most of my life was “challenging” is the greatest of understatements. And yet the last nine years of her life allowed us to build the kind of relationship I would never have dreamed possible.
For that, I am forever grateful.
So, no, I did not spend all those years waiting. But, today, I realize that, in some ways, I have been waiting, waiting for Something during this past year since her death.
I just don’t know what it is.
I know from what my hospice patients and their families have taught me that following the death of a loved one after a lengthy illness, the Primary Caregiver is often left without an identity, with a nameless emptiness where the Caregiver identity stood for so long.
I just never expected it would happen to me.
Who am I now that I am no longer my mother’s keeper?
Who am I now that I am, officially, an orphan?
I don’t know.
Sitting here writing this as the sun sets, as I approach the actual moment 365 days after her death, I realize there is so much I do not know.
I also realize that’s ok.
Real problems never stem from not knowing. Real problems always result from thinking we know it all.
And I so do not Know It All.
Still, there are a few things I do know.
I know that, orphan though I am, I am still my mother’s daughter. Nothing can ever change that. It is its own “legacy to protect”.
And, I know they never really leave us.
Earlier today, I went for a bottle of wine. When I opened the car door to step out, this awaited me:
As some of you know, my sister, Debbie, collected pennies. This is a penny covered in something that has embedded it into the parking lot pavement and allowed a white feather to attach itself to it. Since she died in 2007, Debbie has sent me pennies at the most difficult times of my life. Today, my mother added an angel feather. And Deb out did herself, scattering pennies all around the feathered one:
No, they never really leave us. Not after the first year, not after 100 years.
…if there’s a reason I’m still alive
When everyone who loves me has died
I’m willing to wait for it
I’m willing to wait for it.
And I will do my best to remember I’m not waiting alone.
Unsure of the date, I know only that it is Saturday, the Saturday before my first Mother’s Day without you.
How I miss you.
The world is busy with mothers and the mothered preparing for tomorrow’s festivities. I find I cannot remember ours last year, our last one together.
It had to have been in that horrible place, the one we both hated, the one which you overcame with a grace I did not and will never have. So much of that place I have forgotten. I hope it never comes back to me.
Still, I wish I could remember more clearly our last Mother’s Day together. You refused to go out. You always refused to go out. So, I brought you in something good to eat (a cherry cheesecake?) and a gift sack filled with the little trinkets, the little nothings that you loved. Those memories are clear — your silver head bent low into a bag, your beautiful face rising up with a glow, clutching a Walgreen’s nothing as though it were a Tiffany treasure.
We had little more than two months left together.
Would you still be alive if I had kept you at home? If I had let you stay there alone ten hours a day, you and your dogs, in your old chair with your television? How many more times would you have fallen without telling me, calling the paramedics to come get you up before I got home? How many more times would the smell of something burning have awoken you to remember you’d put something on the stove before the old house burned down around you three?
Would that have been better than that last year as it was, where it was?
I do not know.
There is so much I do not know.
I know only that I miss you. With a magnitude, to a depth, I could not have imagined while you were still with me.
“You’ll miss me when I’m gone.”
You said that so often. And always, I gave the same reply.
“Yes, I will.”
But, I did not know.
How could I?
Most likely you did.
Not just because you knew everything — in your last years, you simply exhaled wisdom so that even your silences were schooling — but, not only that. You knew because you had lost your own mother. Because you had lived most of my life without her — years and years and decades without her, and so you knew just how fathomless the pain would be, just how total, how all-encompassing, the solitude of being Motherless would be.
“You’ll miss me when I’m gone.”
Yes, I do.
The wind you loved blows hard across me out here. I brave it only for the sunlight you despised, the sunlight without which this child of yours cannot survive. Still, it is strong, your wind, and soon it will best the sun and I will step back inside, grateful that its sound, at least, may follow me.
But now, just for now, let me sit in my sunshine, as your wind blows, carrying with it the memory of your crooked fingers scratching my back, the sweetness of your smile when I walked into the room, the mother-only tenderness of your voice calling me, “Momma’s old sweet baby”.
Thank you for giving me this life. It is such a blessing, such a beauty, such a wonder.
But right now, I would give it all and all and over again, for just one moment’s glimpse of you.